Monday, April 23, 2012

This Is What It Is All About

Sometimes I get ahead of myself, or maybe I mean behind myself.  I have a tendency to worry about the life I was supposed to have (at least in my mind) and forget to live the one I do have.  It is pretty easy to ignore this as I go through the motions of the day. There is work to get done. After work my daughter has to be fed, bathed and put to bed. But there is nothing quite like immobility to really put things in perspective.

I have spent nearly two weeks in a recliner at my parents’ house. Talk about the way something wasn’t supposed to play out. The script in my head read differently on this one. I had long overdue foot surgery. I have a genetic deformity that for years has given me trouble on and off. Well whether from age or weight gain, it began to hurt all the time and limited my footwear choices to approximately two pairs of shoes. So it was time and I carefully planned my surgery so that it would happen right before spring break. That way I would have the week off and could return to work with everyone else on the following Monday.

During my consultation I heard the doctor say “five weeks non-weight bearing.” I even told my mother this. Still in my head I was heading back to work, and heading home after that first week down. Well the jokes on me. I have left this recliner only to go to the bathroom and just recently started sitting at the table to eat dinner with the family. This still requires an extra chair to elevate my foot.

Now it looks like I might be returning to work next week, on crutches or with a walker. My stay at my parents will probably closer to five weeks than five days. Thankfully, I am blessed with parents who will do anything for their children, including refilling a glass of ice tea multiple times a day.

Even as I significantly underestimated all of these things, the thing that I didn’t think would be a big deal has been the biggest deal of all – the effect my immobility has had on my three year old daughter. It isn’t that my daughter was an afterthought in all of this; this, however, wasn’t that far off our regular routine. She often spends two nights a week with my parents so that I can go to grad school. She loves spending time there. I often think she prefers it to our home.

She hasn’t complained about being at Grandma and Grandpa’s but she has at times forgotten that she is potty trained. Proudly announcing that she has peeped in her panties. This would be bad enough if it didn’t mean that my mother, who is already playing nursemaid, wasn’t the one having to clean her up. She also has become argumentative about getting dressed and going to bed. She often starts sobbing because one of us has committed some unforgivable sin that we are not aware of and she isn’t willing to explain. She has told me on one occasion that she is mad at my foot. I have been at a bit of a loss with all of this. This isn’t normal behavior for my beautiful girl. My parents have been beyond patient and understanding. I keep telling myself that I will be walking again soon and this too shall pass.

But there is a moment, nearly every night, usually between 2 and 4 am when my sleepy little girl, who is used to sleeping with me, walks out of her room and into the living room. She says the same words each time, “I need you mommy.” And then she climbs up into the recliner and finishes her slumber on top of me. And for a second I can live in the moment as I think “This is what life is all about.” Followed by a sad thought, “that this too shall pass.” She will get too big to sleep in a recliner with me and more heartbreaking, she will probably stop wanting to. But for this moment she is my sweet girl and it doesn’t matter that I can’t walk or get her a cup of juice. She needs her Mommy.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Reality Check

Ten and half months ago I started this blog and set out to have the healthiest year of my life. I was motivated. I was excited. I was committed. And then… well then instead of taking over my life and making it healthier, I let my life take over and here I sit – 15 pounds heavier and actually unhealthier than I was 10 months ago.

I started this blog for a couple of reasons. First, I needed to make a change and I thought a blog would hold me accountable to that change. I also wanted to write on a regular basis again. I missed it and wanted the creative outlet it would provide. So what the heck happened?

I made excuses. My biggest excuse was stress. I convinced myself that I wasn’t eating better because I was stressed. I wasn’t exercising because I was too stressed about work and didn’t have time. I kept saying I would start next week or after I finished this project or that one.

I actually did start going to a weekly Zumba class, just a few weeks before I knew I was having foot surgery and wouldn’t have to continue for long. I am great at doing things so I can get the credit without really having to follow through.

I won’t say that I have been lying to myself, but I have been telling myself a really good story that was more enchanting than reality. You see the difference, right?

So what next? Do I give up blogging? Do I rename it? I don’t have the answer yet, but here are a few things that I know.

  •  I want to write and a few folks have told me that they want to read it.
  • Until I am ready to work on my sleep habits, no other changes will give me the change I need.
  • While the healthiest year of my life is a great goal, it is overwhelming and I ought to just start with making one healthier decision each day.
  • I have a lot of other stuff that would be fun to write about. I am the single mother of a three year old for goodness sake and six days out of the week I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. That should make for some good posts.

I am not sure where this leaves me but maybe my next post will start me in the right direction. Regardless, I’M BACK!!! Unfortunately as big and unhealthy as ever.