She Remembered My Name

The other night in class my professor was talking about how much it means to kids when their teachers and school administrators know there names. (I am working on an MA in educational administration.) Its such a small thing and for many teachers it doesn't take that much effort, but to the kid it means everything. But what it got me thinking about had nothing to do with work. It took me back to some small, but incredibly meaningful, gestures that people have made towards me over the years.

In the first few weeks of college, I participated in sorority rush. At one of the parties I met and spoke with a young woman for what might have been 15 minutes. She was sophisticated, witty, interesting and had a smile that drew you in. In other words, everything my 18 year old self thought I wasn't. I didn't think too much of it as I went through the day and met a ton of other people. Walking on campus that night, my friends and I passed a group of three or four girls and one them said "Hi Debi!" with genuine enthusiasm in her voice. At that moment, Schoene (that is her name) transformed me from an insecure girl to the the coolest freshman on campus, even if only in my own mind. She thought enough of me to remember my name.  How many times do I meet someone and have so much on my mind that I hear their name but don't catch it? Don't even try to remember it because I am too distracted. Living in the moment has never been my strong point.

A few years later, I was involved in car accident in a town away from my home. The morning after the accident, I woke up in a hospital room to find Holly and Lynnette walking through the door. They were my best friends in high school and we were still in fairly close contact considering years had passed and we were separated by four or so hours. It wasn't convenient for them to come. They had classes and busy lives, but there they were, like it was the most natural thing in the world to spend an afternoon in a hospital in Peoria. Would I do the same for them? I believe I would, but there are other people who I haven't reached out to when I could have. Have I missed opportunities to surprise others with acts of kindness? Undoubtably.

Fast forward nearly ten years. One of my closest friends, Adrienne, was very ill and hospitalized. The prognosis was not good. The hospital she was in was about 40 minutes and two train from work and a good hour and two more trains from home. It was important for me to go see her every day, but not the easiest thing to accomplish while still showing up for my job. So I would go into work and try to be there by 7 am, in hopes I could leave early. I didn't need to worry. The creative director, Michael, would walk into my office when he got to work and tell me what had to be done that day. I was preoccupied and prioritizing tasks wasn't high on my priority list. Michael was thinking for the both of us. I am so appreciative of what he did to give me extra time with my friend.

For a long time after Adrienne died, one of my coworkers Rachel would walk into my office to ask if I wanted to go to lunch. We must have eaten hundreds of lunches together and became close friends. It took me a while to figure it out, but I realized that Rachel knew Adrienne and I always had lunch together and she took it upon herself to feel that void so it would feel a little less empty and that it did. I often don't know what to say or do when someone is grieving or going through a bad time, so I usually don't do anything other than attend a wake or send a card.

And finally there is Amanda, who has made an art of nurturing her friendships. It can be a random email about a book she is reading and thinks I might like, or an unexpected package in the mail because she found a cute dress she thought my daughter would look great in. She sends news clippings that make her think of you; she never forgets a birthday or aholiday. As I was reading Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project, the chapter on maintaining friendships could have been written by Amanda.

There are so many other people I could name, including my great family, who have gone out of their way to show me I was important, to give me what I needed at the time, and to strengthen our friendship. So what does this have to do with the healthiest year of my life?

I want to be the person who lives in the moment; who shows up for someone when they least expect it but need it most; who puts others before myself because their current need is greater; and, who demonstrates how valuable her friendships are by nurturing them. I often feel that I have gotten so caught up trying to make my life what I think it should be rather than living it as it is. I think I used to be more positive and more generous with my time. I want to get back to that place. I want to stop worrying that what I do is going to be wrong and just do it, while accepting that sometimes it might be the wrong gesture, but it came from the right place. I think this is a change that will go a long way towards my emotional health.

Getting It In

It makes sense to me when someone says they went to the gym for 30 minutes between appointments. I admire the woman who can work two loads of laundry in between fixing dinner and a bed time story. I am not one of those. My life isn't organized enough to fit things in between other things. That requires planning, forethought or at least a strategy. I got none of those.

What I do manage to plan and work in though is food. And this is not a positive thing. Take today. I had a powerbar for breakfast around 7 am and then I started a day of back to back meetings, nine in total. I had a thirty minute break around 11. I wasn't really hungry, but I thought this would probably be my only opportunity to eat. Hungry or not, this girl was not about to miss a meal. I wouldn't be done till 4 so I had to eat. Not just a bit of my turkey and Swiss sandwich but the whole thing. Not so bad, just turkey and Swiss could have been worse.

Graduate classes started tonight. And because of poor planning on my part I didn't realize I was near Whole Foods, or that I needed to go there, last night until I passed the exit and it would have been a pain to turn around. So in the three hours between work and class, I headed to Whole Foods. And then, of course, I ended up in the wrong lane and missed my exit. The worse part is I changed lanes four times trying to figure it out and still missed it. (Some days I probably shouldn't even drive).

I got what I needed -- coconut oil. Of course, I wanted two jars, but realized when I got to the check out that I had picked up the tester for one. So I left Whole Foods with exactly one jar of coconut oil. And then my car wouldn't shift out of park. But the amazing part of this story is that the whole time I was plotting how I was going to work in dinner. I wasn't the least bit hungry, but was so afraid I was going to miss a meal that the comedy of errors that is my life was secondary.

By the time I get close to my class, I still have an hour and a half to waste. My goal for this week was (and still is) to stop eating fast food. So with that in mind I went to Walgreens to buy a notebook. And walked out with a notebook and chocolate cover peanuts. Ate the whole bag in the parking lot and thought what can I eat for my real dinner. Not fast food, I had made a commitment. My mind floated to taquitos from Quik Trip. That is when I almost had to laugh out loud at the insanity of avoiding fast food by eating a half of pound of chocolate cover peanuts and two taquitos from a convenience store. Instead of laughing, I drove through Arby's.

Not exactly a success, but this is my relationship with food. This week's goal is no fast food. Obviously today is a lost cause but that doesn't mean I give up on the whole week. Previous goals are going well. I haven't had a soda, not even a drop. My daughter's playroom is not organized yet, but I have made serious progress. This blog should probably be called The Slow Road to Health. Guess it doesn't matter how long it takes as long as I get there.

A Taste of Success

Last week's goal of no soda actually wasn't as difficult as I thought. I have not had a drop and I haven't really craved it. I didn't get on a scale to see if I had lost any weight, but I am certainly less bloated. I haven't noticed a difference in my energy level. Usually, being off soda means I am less tired, but I also haven't been getting a solid seven hours of sleep.

Now on to this week... I will continue with the no soda and I am going to focus on something that I think will alleviate a little stress and probably some guilt too. My focus for this week is to clean out and organize my daughter's playroom, which in theory also serves as an office. Why this? Its the first room you come to when you enter our house. Its a formal living room, but we aren't really formal and my daughter is a bit spoiled (translation: we have way too many toys), so its a playroom. By the end of the week, it will be purged and everything left will have a place. Wish me luck.

Epic Fail

It has been more than three weeks since I posted, so that in and of itself should explain the title of this post. July was a mess, to put it mildly. I am no healthier than I was June 1st. Actually I think I am actually less healthy. Stress took over and I lost all focus.

But I am ready to get back on the horse and have revamped how I want to structure my goals a little. I am still not entirely sure how I am going to manage the stress, particularly work stress, but I am ready to give this health thing another try. The bad news is I gained back the weight I had lost in June. The good news is I didn't gain any additional weight, which is nearly a miracle.

I am the type of person who lives well with structure and rules. So I can't just wing it and say I am going to be healthier and I will figure it out as I go. So I am going to set one goal (or rule) each week and I will post every Sunday to tell you how it went. I guess I am declaring a do over.

This week's goal is no soda. NONE. I haven't gone back to the full amount I was drinking before, but I am headed in that direction. So it is time to go cold turkey. No more soda. Just yesterday I read another article about it increasing the risk of heart attack and stroke. And it has no upside at all. So good bye soda.

I would love to hear ideas of what other weekly goals I should adopt. Each goal will be focused on for a week but then hopefully incorporated into my life after that and become habit. But for now I will just be thankful that I haven't yet gave up and am still moving forward.

Let's Talk About...... STRESS!!!!!

The healthiest year of my life has been sabotaged. Wait, did I mention that this post is probably going to do a little wallowing sprinkled with self pity followed by a small does of woe is me? Okay then, the healthiest year of my life has been sabotaged... by stress.

I deal with stress in three ways: 1.) I drink really unbelievable amounts of Diet Pepsi. Except wait I gave that up. Well sort of, I did have a small Diet Coke yesterday. Only one and it was small. It was so good, it almost brought tears to my eyes. 2.) I gamble. That takes a little more effort and a lot more money. or 3.) I eat. And when I say I eat I mean anything and everything.

This time though I didn't eat everything in sight. This time I was so stressed that I began searching out the really good foods I tell myself I miss so much. In truth, I don't think I really miss them and after eating them I always feel pretty lousy. So why oh why do I keep taking the ice cream out of the freezer?

I admire those people who deal with stress by running 5 miles. I want to be them. However, when you are overweight and don't exercise regularly, you don't just strap on your shoes and run your stress off. No, you go straight to the Sonic Drive-Thru and order mozzarella sticks. Then within a couple of hours you are bloated and sleepy and kicking yourself in your still ample rear.

This has been going on for about a week and while I am still kicking myself in the rear, I must not be doing it very forcefully because it is still going on. I really thought I would start this project and just will myself to be healthy. Much in the same way I willed my self to stop biting my nails. That didn't work out so well either.

My relationship with crappy food and diet soda is not unlike a relationship with they guy you know is bad for you but you keep hooking up with anyway. It is so enjoyable in the moment, but the effects are lingering and aren't worth even a taste. Eventually, you see the light and dial your phone no more. But usually, you backslide a time or two first.

So tomorrow, I start again. Hopefully, I get back on track quickly, but no matter what I keep trying. And somewhere along the way, I might even find some willpower.

One Month Down, Eleven to Go

One month has past since I started this blog. The biggest change is that I no longer drink soda. Cutting back one hour earlier each day really worked for me. And to be honest, I don't really miss it... unless I am stressed. (More on that later.) I have replaced it with ice tea and water. I have always loved iced tea. However, I am what I call "ice tea picky" and often I find ice tea undrinkable.

My three goals for the first month were to get at least 7 hours of sleep. I have been pretty consistent in this. And while I think I am still more tired than I should be, I do feel better than I do when I sleep less. Second, I was going to be more conscious about my eating. I have really thought about what I am putting into my body and am making better choices. I am down 4 pounds for the month. Given that I haven't really focused on anything more specific in my diet I assume that this is all a loss from not drinking soda. However, it is enough to encourage me and keep me going. The final goal was to exercise every other day. Other than a few walks around the block (its a pretty big block) with my daughter, this is a complete fail. I really need to get to this. I think it would make a real difference on many fronts.

So as I enter month two, I will continue the intentional eating and try to exercise more. But the focus of month two is going to focus on one of the things that cause me a great deal of stress... clutter. This may not seem to be about health, but believe me this is a huge source of stress. I have six items I want to focus on:

1.) I will consider every item I own and ask myself what it adds to my life. I will dedicate at least 30 minutes a day to this task. No more keeping items out of guilt, obligation or just because.

2.) I will create and implement a cleaning routine. The implement part is important. I am a planner. But I often go through the planning stage and never implement, or half implement. Not this time. I will find something that works for me.

3.) I will do a load of laundry every night. Wash, dry, fold AND put away.

4.) I will clear my desk at work before leaving for the weekend.

5.) I will pick up every night before I go to bed.

6.) I will begin teaching my daughter to pick up after herself and not do it for her just because its quicker.

I also will try and write on this blog more frequently. But for now, I must get my 7 hours in. :)

Addictions, Compulsions and Habits

I sat down tonight to write about my odd addiction. But then I actually looked up the word addiction. According, to Merriam-Webster an addiction involves a substance (doesn't apply to mine) and withdrawal. Since, I am pretty sure I wouldn't have a physical reaction if I stopped cold turkey, I need to drill back the drama and stop thinking of this as an addiction.

Which brings me to the my odd compulsion. A compulsion according to Mr. Merriam (or Mr. Webster) is "an irresistible impulse to perform an act." Now given that I have resisted on a few, albeit not enough, instances, this must not be a compulsion either.

So I am left with an odd habit, or "an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary." But the word habit doesn't pack the same punch as addiction or compulsion. Quite honestly, it now seems like something I should just take control of and get over and that all that can probably be conquered without psychiatric help. So much for the interesting component.

Regardless, what I am talking about is my love of the drive-thru. Its not fast food that I love. It is the drive-thru. Since I began the healthiest year of my life, I have only had typical fast food once. (I say typical because I am not counting Subway here or multiple Diet Cokes from Sonic.) There is something about the convenience of a drive-thru that keeps me coming back for more.

I thought once I stopped eating fast food, my drive-thru days would be over. But I started driving through multiple times a day for soda, even though QT is cheaper and more reliable. Now that I am down to one soda a day and soon will not be drinking it at all, I was positive my drive-thru days would be limited to the bank. So why am I currently evaluating the ice tea of all drive-thrus in a 20 mile radius? Because apparently, I am addicted, oops I mean, have a drive-thru habit.

So now what? "I am Debi and I have a drive-thru habit." I can admit its a problem. But where do I go from here? If you are saying to yourself "Just stay the hell out of the drive-thru," I have said that many a times, but I always end up back, usually with a new justification.

So I am saying it again, the 10,327th time is a charm, right? "Just stay the hell out of the drive-thru." I probably need to come up with some reward to keep me focused, but the only one that comes to mind right now is a big Diet Pepsi and that kind of defeats the point.